Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
