So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
