I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
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