When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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