well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
