i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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