I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you win again, gameday.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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