you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
