We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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