Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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