I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
