I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I intend to get homeless drunk
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
