i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize