So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
