Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
