now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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