Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
