If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
God, I missed his penis.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
