dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
