I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
