Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
