woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
