Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
