My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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