I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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