youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Randomize
