I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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