yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
