Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You need Xanax blowdarts
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
