sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
