How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
