my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
