My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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