I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
