Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
