my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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