I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
