Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
