A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
