Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
