he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
