jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
