I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
