We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
