Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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