Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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