Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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