Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
