hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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