Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
