Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
