you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
