I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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