dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
